After the continued popularity of Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” it’s likely that you may already have some understanding of love languages. But, just in case you’ve never found yourself on the receiving end of one of those cocktail-fueled first date interviews that consist of questions like “What’s your zodiac sign? Do you know your Myers-Briggs personality type?” keep reading to learn how to identify your love language, as well as how to effectively show your partner affection through theirs.
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First things first…What are the 5 love languages?
The 5 love languages explain the 5 different ways we express and receive love. They include: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service. While you may get some validation from all 5 love languages, we typically gravitate more towards 1 or 2.
Often, love languages can manifest as a response to something that you’re insecure about or feeling that you’re lacking. For example, those who gravitate towards words of affirmation may crave verbal appreciation because they internally tear themselves down. Or acts of service people may feel like they are exhausting themselves with minimal appreciation. Be conscientious of your partner’s love language because it could be highlighting of a pain point that they have been, or are currently experiencing.
If you’re wondering which love language you most resonate with, then you’re in luck! There’s a handy dandy test for that here: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
But if you want to learn how to properly show love to your partner through their love language, keep reading!
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Physical Touch
Those who gravitate towards physical touch as their primary love language gain comfort, reassurance, and affection from touching and being touched. For a physical touch person, the contact doesn’t always have to be inherently sexual or romantic. Something as simple as holding hands, hugging, or giving a comforting shoulder rub goes a long way in showing that you appreciate them.
Just be sure that when you are engaging in any close or intimate forms of touch with your partner that you are fully present and fully engaged. While absent-mindedly stroking their hand in a movie theater may be calming to them in that moment, they thrive on having your full attention and interest for more tender or steamy moments.
Ideas on how to touch the heart of your physical touch lover:
Simple Gestures:
•Holding their hand in public
•Greeting them at the door with a kiss when they get home for the day
•Giving them a scalp massage while you’re curled up on the couch together watching TV
•Stroking their back while you’re waiting in a long line or during a stressful situation
Special Gestures:
•Give your partner a sensual, full body hot oil massage. If you want to go above and beyond with this one, dim the lights and create your own private spa - complete with candles and music for ambiance
•Make your own homemade dice game together and assign each number with a type of touch (i.e. give a foot rub, trail fingertips along their spine, nibble an ear, etc.)
Conversely, here are some things to avoid with your physical touch partner:
Ø Don’t always leave it to them to initiate physical touch. Validation and desire are communicated through touch for those with this love language, so if they feel as if they are always chasing you with no reciprocity then they may feel unwanted or like the feelings in the relationship are one-sided.
Ø Don’t only touch them when you are wanting sex, as this may leave your partner feeling used. Nonsexual touch is important for expressing that your relationship is more than just skin deep and goes beyond base desire. Touch is as mental as it is physical for this Love Language.
Ø Don’t avoid or starve them of touch just because you’re upset with them. Even during tense disagreements or when your relationship is not at its best, a simple hand on the shoulder or arm rub can reassure them that even though things are rough in that moment, you still care about them and want to work to make things better.
(*Disclaimer: don’t overstep your own emotional or physical boundaries beyond what you’re comfortable with. It’s not the size of the gesture, it’s the thought that your physical touch partner will appreciate)
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Quality Time
It’s all about closeness and connection for those who consider quality time to be their primary love language. If your partner falls into this category then the best way to show them that you appreciate them is to simply make yourself available to them. Giving your undivided attention means the most for this love language, whether you’re braving roller coasters at an amusement park, or curled up on the couch binging Game of Thrones. You don’t always have to do something extravagant with your partner to show them you care. What you do matters less than the fact that you’re doing it together.
Here are some ideas and tips to make your quality time more impactful:
Simple Gestures:
•Ask your partner about their favorite hobby and join them in it
•Choose a new show to watch together and set a time to have a “TV date night” each week (but don’t cheat and watch ahead!). If you want to go above and beyond, throw on your PJs and grab a bowl of popcorn to make it a sleep over party!
•Have a cute picnic in the park (or even in your backyard), complete with a blanket, snacks, and your favorite picnic drinks (mine is a mimosa 😜).
Special Gestures:
•Surprise your partner with a recreation of your first or most memorable date
•Plan a vacation together and have weekly “meetings” over coffee or dessert to discuss plans leading up to the big day
•Sit down together and make a list of activities or hobbies that you would like to do/try/see, and cross one off your list every weekend.
Things to avoid with your quality time partner:
Ø Avoid distractions like cell phones or social media when you’re spending quality time together. Put your phones face down or on silent so that your partner can feel like you’re giving them your full attention. Carving out time for your special someone doesn’t feel so special if you spend it scrolling through TikTok or checking emails.
Ø Don’t promise quality time with them and go back on your word. You should be careful not to double book yourself or let life’s distractions get in the way of the time that you’ve set aside to spend with your partner. Canceling plans or splitting your attention between your partner and other tasks will make them feel like they aren’t special or valuable enough to hold your interest. The goal is to make your partner feel like a priority, not a burden.
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Words of Affirmation
If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, then they thrive on communication. Verbal and written expressions of affection, appreciation, and admiration will warm the hearts of those who call this their primary love language. Keep in mind, though, that words of affirmation aren’t always just about the ooey gooey stuff. Your partner also needs clear and forthcoming communication when things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. For a words of affirmation person, being honest about the concerns in your relationship is just as important as reminding them of how beautiful or handsome they are (although, frequent compliments are definitely still encouraged). Just be sure that both your compliments and criticisms are vocalized in real time so that your partner can get that feeling of instant gratification or relief.
*If you find it difficult to express yourself verbally, writing a letter is a great compromise. It gets your feelings across and gives your partner something to look back on whenever they need a boost.
Tips on how to keep your words of affirmation partner feeling affirmed:
Simple Gestures:
•”Think out loud.” When you think they look great, tell them! If you think they made a delicious dinner, let them know! Allow your compliments to be honest and free-flowing. Though it may be obvious to you that you think your partner is amazing, this love language needs to hear it!
•Hide sticky notes with loving messages around their home and/or car for them to find later.
•Send a “thinking of you” text while you’re apart to let them know they’re on your mind.
Special gestures:
•Make or purchase a personalized journal, list all of the things you love about them on each page, and present the book to them on your anniversary.
•Every day leading up to a major event (birthday, anniversary, major accomplishments, etc.) write a detailed letter or text listing one of the things that you admire most about them, and how appreciative and proud you are to have them in your life. Leave them on their pillow or send them in time for your partner to wake up to their surprise.
•Express yourself through art, if you’re so inclined. Poetry and music are beautiful, creative and highly personalized ways of telling your partner how they make you feel.
Things to avoid with a words of affirmation partner:
Ø Don’t keep important thoughts or feelings from them. The mind of a words of affirmation lover can often times be swirling with unanswered questions, concerns or insecurities – Be open and proactive about things that need to be discussed to keep them from stressing out, overthinking, or creating potential misunderstandings.
Ø Avoid saying things you don’t mean. In the heat of the moment, it can be easy to say negative things or give harsh criticisms about your partner, but ne sure to think before you speak. Words penetrate deeper and linger much longer in the mind or a words of affirmation person. So what you thought was just a flippant statement made in the heat of the moment, may take root in their mind and grow into something much larger.
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Gifts
Those who consider receiving gifts to be their primary love language are commonly misunderstood to be materialistic, but oftentimes that couldn’t be further from the truth. If gifts are your partner’s love language, it just means that they appreciate the physical representation of a person’s feelings (not necessarily the price tag that goes along with them). For them, they get validation and comfort from being able to see, touch, and interact with a tangible representation of your love. So, anything from a sparkly diamond, to a handmade card will make your gift lover feel giddy and appreciated. The phrase “This made me think of you” is like music to the ears of a gift lover.
Ideas to give your gift lover the warm and fuzzies:
Simple Gestures:
•Bring your partner’s favorite snack home when they’ve had a long day (…or just because!)
•Send their favorite flowers, desserts, or treats to their office as a surprise
•Give them a framed photo of the two of you together to keep on their desk
Special Gestures:
•Create a scavenger hunt with clues that relate to special moments in your relationship that lead to little trinkets they would enjoy. Let the grand prize be something meaningful or something that they’ve had their eye on for a while.
•Start a collection of something together (i.e., shot glasses or pretty rocks from different travel destinations, vinyl albums, etc.) and go on excursions together to add to your collection.
•Keep mementos from important milestones in your relationship (i.e. the ticket stub from your first date, the set list from a concert you saw together, a menu from the restaurant where you proposed, etc.) and turn it into a scrapbook to give to them on your anniversary.
Things to avoid with your gift lover:
Ø Don’t throw your gifts in their face (I don’t mean literally …ok, but also not literally, either). Holding purchases over their head or bringing up big ticket items that you’ve gifted them may make your partner feel like your relationship is more transactional than emotional.
Ø Don’t take back gifts after they’ve been given – even if you’re upset with them. This can make your partner feel like your love is conditional and can be revoked solely based on your whims and your opinion of their worthiness at that time.
Ø Don’t keep score. Gift giving is about making your partner feel appreciated and valued, not about winning the “who’s given the biggest and most expensive present” award. Give your partner gifts simply because you want to show them that you care, and let their joy and acknowledgement be enough in return.
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Acts of Service
If your partner’s primary love language is acts of service, then it’s likely that they are a firm believer in the phrase “actions speak louder than words.” It's not uncommon for someone who resonates with this love language to be a highly motivated and ambitious person. You can find them chopping away at an ever-growing ‘to do’ list, all while simultaneously being pulled in several different directions.
This is the exact reason why acts of service resonates with them so much. Showing them that you care by alleviating some of their stressors and allowing them to relax for a bit is a gift in and of itself – You’ve given them the gift of your time and effort. An acts of service lover sees you taking the initiative to make their life easier, and it means the world to them.
Actions that show your appreciation for your acts of service lover:
Simple Gestures
•Figure out your partner’s least favorite chore and surprise them by completing it before they get to it
•Ask to take a peek at that sprawling ‘to-do’ list, pick a few items, and join them in crossing those them off
•Handle a task for them that you know they’ve been putting off (i.e. mowing the lawn, putting gas in the car, folding the laundry, etc.)
Special Gestures
•Instead of having your partner cook or ordering out, sit them down in their favorite spot, hand them their favorite drink, and tell them to relax while you make their favorite meal. Don’t forget to take care of the dishes afterwards!
•Give your partner a coupon book full of “get out of [insert task] free” coupons. So, when they come home from a long day they can whip out the coupon book and relax with no worries
•Give them a “Do Nothing Day” where they can relax and know that everything will be taken care of. Allow them to kick their feet up and play video games, indulge in a hobby they never have time for, or get together with their friends without worries of unfinished duties looming over them
Things to avoid with your acts of service lover:
Ø Don’t criticize your partner for the things they haven’t done yet, as this could leave them feeling unappreciated. Instead of finding fault in what they haven’t done, show appreciation for all that they have done and offer to help with the things that are still pending completion.
Ø Don’t take advantage of their acts of service. Although your partner may enjoy the feeling of completing tasks, you shouldn’t leave them to do everything by themselves. Make sure to pull your weight so that they don’t feel overwhelmed. (If you’re a quality time person, you can try doing chores and tasks WITH them to satisfy your own love language needs).
Ø Don’t complete tasks for them with expectations of being praised or receiving something in return. Taking something off of their plate should not be done as a transactional ‘tit-for-tat’ exchange. The goal is to lighten the load on your partner’s shoulders to show them you care.
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Now that you know what to do, it’s time to put it into practice! Grab your partner and take the love language quiz together
(*elbow nudge* Quality Time *elbow nudge*).
Practice speaking their language and watch your relationship thrive!
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